There is one time of the year that I am a Hallmark Channel fanatic, and that is now. My husband makes fun of me because I record just about every single Christmas movie that is shown. Now, if any of you have watched any of these specials, you would know that they are all very similar and extremely predictable. But I love them. What do I love about them? It is certainly not the artistic direction, nor the fabulous acting - it is the happy ending. I love a happy ending and I love to know that it will ALWAYS be a happy ending. There is something great about knowing that.
But what is it about a happy ending that I like? It is the fact that there was a "not so happy" situation that turned out beautifully. There are ups and downs throughout the stories, but I can always count on it ending on an "up."
It makes me feel like we can have a happy ending. That means that no matter how hard the times are right now, no matter how many bad things happen...it will all end good. That is a reassurance. That is what I want.
Or is it? Do I want a happy ending? Well, yes, that would be good. But really what I want is a happy middle. I want my family's days NOW to be happy. I don't want to have to wait until the end to feel happiness. That is my new goal. I keep hoping and hoping for great outcomes from Parker. I want him to someday sit on his own, to walk, to run with his brothers, to whisper "I love you" to me. But in all of this hoping for a great future, am I missing out on the happiness that is today? Maybe.
I think I have always been someone who "cherishes the moment." I learned that from my amazing Grandma. She took in every bit of joy there was in every possible minute. I remember driving down the road with her when I was little and she would point out the most simple things that were beautiful...things I hadn't even noticed. She taught me to see happiness and love in every day. So I grew up living in the moment and appreciating each special day that I had.
However, when you have a child with special needs, your life becomes about the future. I desparately wanted to know what the future would hold for Parker. Would he be able to walk and talk? Would he be able to express his happiness and fears? Would he get to go to school, to play sports, and to take someone to Prom? Would he get to lead a happy fulfilling life doing whatever he wanted to do? Would he, would he, would he? It became all-consuming. I remember asking the doctors and therapists at almost every appointment, what cp would look like as Parker got older. I have since learned that I shouldn't ask something that I don't want to hear. There were few people who told us positive things.
So, what is so great about the future? We are not even guaranteed that it will be there, so why am I so obsessed with it? It is because of that damn Hallmark Channel and it's happy endings. I love them. I want one. But as I said before, I realize now that more important than a happy ending is a happy middle. I am blessed enough to have 3 amazing little men and one amazing big man (my sweet husband) in my life. I have loving family and friends, a house to live in, a job, and our health. You know the expression "there is not much more I could ask for"? Well, there IS much more that I could ask for with Parker and his development. But for now, I will just take what I have today and love it. I will take that I have a sweet little 2-year-old who is learning to crawl. I will love watching him smile at his baby brother and laugh when his twin brother gets in trouble. I will relish in the fact that he wants to walk so badly - that when we do our usual laps around the kitchen at night, he starts to cry when I lay him down because he wants more! I will see the happiness in his eyes when his grandma walks in the room. I will also see the joy in watching Brady and Ryder develop and grow each day. I will laugh when Brady gives his fishy kisses to everything in sight and I will smile when Ryder laughs at his daddy who is inevitably being goofy. I will try to slow down my evening routine of getting all 3 boys down and enjoy that time alone with them.
I no doubt will have a happy ending. I have all the faith in the world in that. But more importantly, this is my happy middle.